Hello! Hi! How are ya? I’m on a journey of self-discovery1 and in a season of change and one thing that I keep coming back to is this space. I want to write! And I want to share my most deranged thoughts writing with you!! As Ann Friedman wrote last week, the age of social media – at least as we’ve come to know it – finally feels like it might be dying. Platforms are copy-catting each other instead of focusing on what they’re good at, accounts are closing (or getting shut down) on Twitter and so much knowledge and history is being lost along with it, and more and more it feels like you’re either shouting into the void or you’re being shouted at by some guy name Brian who doesn’t know how to read. Even though some might call Substack a long-winded social media site (or a social tech company that will suffer the same fate as the aforementioned dying social media sites), at least these little missives won’t be fully deleted by a billionaire megalomanic in a fit of insecurity-induced rage and can live forever in your inbox - especially if you, like me, have terrible inbox hygiene and never actually delete anything.
To ease back into posting, I’m sharing a piece that I started earlier this year but still feel passionate about, that still feels relevant. It’s about bagels, obviously, but not all my posts will be about breakfast carbs. What can you expect going forward? Weeklyish explorations of things that are playing on a loop on my mind (Roman Roy using a manual toothbrush in S3 of Succession), borderline evangelical recommendations for things I’m currently very into (have you guys ever heard of this life hack called going to bed early? it’s great, you gotta try it!), and a totally chaotic list or two (things I think David should get inked for his first tattoo). As always, it’s a bit of a lucky dip and if you choose to stay on board I’ll be thrilled to have you along for the ride. Toot toot!
Now, bagels.
The Bagels Are Not All Right
As a committed student of bagel culture, I cannot be silent any longer: the bagels are not all right2. Between my anecdotal and academic research on the topic of bagelmania, I’ve recently learned three bits of very concerning information, which I’ve outlined below. All of them have led me to believe that we are in a state of bagel emergency! From eating to schmearing to the simple act of purchasing a bagel, there is culturally a great deal of bagel chaos and I, for one, am here to shine on light on this problem so we can make it right.
EXHIBIT ONE: Nobody knows how to eat a bagel anymore- Shrinking.
I’m one of maybe ten thousand people in the entire world who subscribes to AppleTV+ and mostly enjoyed their grumpy Harrison Ford show, Shrinking, that debuted earlier this year. However, two scenes were so disturbing to me that they’ve almost overshadowed all the joy the show delivered. Neither scene involves Harrison Ford and his sadly absent earring, but they do both involve another love of mine: bagels. Please carefully watch the two scenes below:
Did you notice anything disturbing? Did you notice that not once, but twice, characters on this show chomp into the side of an entire fucking bagel the way a dog bites into a frisbee?? Did you notice the lack of butter or cream cheese or any fat at all on said bagel? Can you believe that anyone in their right mind would eat a bagel like this, much less two people?
Now, this show is co-created by Brett Goldstein (the grumpy hairy one from Ted Lasso), and Brett Goldstein is a Brit. Considering the dire state of bagels here on Corruption Island, I can only assume that Brett is unfamiliar with real bagel culture and the proper way of eating a bagel. But surely someone with authority on this television set (like Indian Jones himself!) could should have stepped in to literally whip those bagels out of Jason Segel and Luke Tennie’s mouths and say, “absolutely not! We are not teething babies, this is not how we eat bagels!” Or, at the very least, wasn’t there someone from craft services to demonstrate the correct way to eat one? It really makes you wonder what else is happening on television sets if they can’t even respect the sanctity of a bagel’s rights! (Insert writer’s & actors strike here3.)
EXHIBIT TWO: Nobody knows how to schmear a bagel anymore - scooped out bagels.
Generally speaking, I feel that Claire Mazur and Erica Cerulo are pretty right on just about everything, but one thing I disagree with them on (and have been haunted by for months) are the so-called merits of the scooped out bagel. I know what you’re asking: what’s a scooped out bagel? Well, I’m very sorry to tell you that it’s when someone (a criminal??????) cuts out the inner bready ring of a bagel, making what is essentially a bagel trough, which is then filled with cream cheese/a schmear. Not only is this incredibly wasteful, it’s also sacrilege and anyone who subscribes to my particular religion will absolutely not be seeing the gates of haven if they practice this perversion whilst walking on the surface of a rapidly-heating earth. I feel so strongly about this that I won’t even share pictures of this monstrosity, but you can use your imagination or do your own research on a search engine of your choosing. Please keep a barf bag nearby just in case.
EXHIBIT THREE: Nobody knows the true worth of a bagel.
It’s no secret that my number one priority in life is to cultivate the sesame seed I planted in David’s mind many months ago and get him to open a bagel shop. I’ve collected signatures (want to add your name to the list?) from friends and strangers who support David’s (my) dream, I’ve asked leading questions about how much these fine folks would pay for a bagel, and I’ve even bought our future bagel shop’s web domain. But it was while doing the price research that things began to get truly whack-a-doodle.
You see, my friends in America are willing to pay more than I would pay for an entire week’s produce shop for a mere half dozen bagels. On the flip side, some of my friends here in cold, sewage-ridden Victorian England are willing to pay only as much as 50p/bagel. For the sake of transparency, here are some of the bagel pricing comments I received when doing my very scientific research:
🇬🇧 “I would be willing to pay £3 for 6” - 50p a bagel!!!!!!! <John McEnroe voice> You cannot be serious!
🇺🇸 “At least $6 a bagel. $30 a half dozen. More if there was schmear.” - Using today’s exchange rate, $6 is = £4.69 and while that feels like too much, I’m not mad at it!
🇬🇧 “I would pay through the nose for the privilege” - That’s the spirit!
🇺🇸 “I'd pay A LOT OF MONEY for 1 or half dozen!!” - Literally love to hear it!
🇬🇧 “I would pay £3 for one bagel and £8 for 6 bagels” - I love this person but their math is not mathing.
🇺🇸 “I’d pay $6 for a single and upwards around $25 to $30 for a half dozen” - Thirty doll hairs for six bagels is still so bananas to me but food prices in America really are deranged. A little packet of chives was like $3.75 last time I was there. CHIVES!!!
🇬🇧 “Would happily pay a £2 per bagel, or £10 for 6 (gotta give a discount somewhere you know). Also I'm cheap so don't take my word as gospel” - You *are* cheap, I’m sorry!
🇺🇸 “I would pay $4. For a half dozen I would pay $20. That’s crazy to say but I mean it.” - Rest assured, this is not as crazy as some of the above.
🇬🇧 “£1.20 for a single and £3.50 for 6 ( first thing that popped into my head) I'M TAKING THIS REALLY SERIOUSLY” - I have to ask, do they teach maths in this country???
Do you see what we’re dealing with here?! In June, I went back to Minnesota for three weeks and I can confirm that the food prices there are shocking. I came back from that trip with a horrible case of income dysmorphia and a real appreciation for living somewhere where a flat white still costs £2.50-ish and a hand-held baked good comes in around £3.00. Even so, I can’t help but wonder: how much should a bagel cost, Michael? $10.00? £3.50? 7.99? I really don’t know and, as you can see, nobody else does either.
All this to say: I’m concerned about the state of a lot of things right now (my very pale legs, the environment, corporate profiteering by our energy companies) but I’m especially worried about the state of bagels. Will one man rise up (yes, this is a yeast joke) and save us all from bagel mis-use and confusion? We can but hope. 🥯
This next week I’ll be doing deep dives on all the new RHONY women, slowly baking my way through Sweet Enough, and continuing to hang out with my newest bff, Bobby. See you next Wednesday!
My long-dormant ambition has come out of hibernation and I’m remembering – and taking comfort in knowing – that things can change. The person I was in my early 30s doesn’t feel very familiar as I inch ever-closer to 40, so I’m shedding layers, trying new things on, and finding what fits for a new phase of life in an uncertain age. Fun, right?
I spent a lot of time going back and forth between Alright and All Right but ultimately said f-you to The Who and heck yes to the styling of that lesbian Julianne Moore and Anette Bening movie. Was that movie actually good? I was too young and dumb when it came out to probably have an opinion, but am now intrigued to re-watch!
📣 WE SUPPORT THE WGA AND SAG-AFTRA 📣
Even good old New Zealand has a dedicated Bagel shop. Do it! 😉