Maybe it’s my period, maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s just that I’m getting old and cranky (probably this!), but a lot of things have been extremely annoying to me lately. Not just lol so annoying!🤪 but, like, sit-bolt-upright-in-bed-when-you-think-about-it annoying, rant-and-rave annoying, itch-that-just-won’t-quit annoying. And to help me channel my annoyances into something productive, I have decided to start compiling them in an Encyclopedia1 of the Extremely Annoying. This is the first instalment, but I’m sure there will be so many more.
A note on the criteria before we get into today’s entries: These are specific annoyances, not general. So, for instance, you won’t see your run-of-the-mill annoying things listed here, like Tories, Shirtless Men, or Smokers, despite all of those things being 100% annoying. In the spirit of curiosity, here at Kate Things we like to ask why? and really dig deep into what it is about these things that is so deeply irritating. So instead of the above, you might see entries for things like:
Listening Face, Rishi Sunak’s Patronising Nodding
Walking Past Shirtless Men on the Sidewalk While You Wear All Your Clothes
Smokers Smoking Right Outside a Building’s Entrance
See? Specific. Specifically annoying. Specific *and extremely* annoying. Okay, let’s start.
Alarm Clock, My Downstairs Neighbour’s
In the words of Gemma Collins, who actually invented the [alarm] clock? I’m asking because I need to have a word. For months now, my downstairs neighbour has been letting his alarm clock beep for anywhere from 40 minutes to two hours most mornings. The beeping usually starts around 6AM and is quiet enough that David can’t hear it (annoying) but loud enough that I - with my perfect 20/20 hearing - can (extremely annoying). While I lay awake in bed, listening to the sound of his alarm beeping up at me through the floorboards and carpet, I imagine ways I could bring this up to my neighbour, whomst I see often but don’t chat about anything intimate or of consequence with. “Hey Kevin2, how are you today? Well-rested? You look it! Actually, on that note…” or “Good morning, Kevin! Speaking of morning, I noticed that you like to try to wake up early…” In my head I never get past this point in our made-up conversations before I blackout from annoyancy.
Acne, Adult
When I was a teenager, I assumed that acne was something I’d leave behind in my early 20s but here I am, almost 36 and still breaking out like I have an algebra test tomorrow. Extremely dermatologically annoying.
Apple Watch, Publicly Using a
I know, I know, you have one and you love it. You might even be reading this on an Apple Watch right now (can you do that?) and if you are I’m very sorry but: your Apple Watch is annoying. The fundamental thing here is that they look like they were designed by and for a little boy whilst costing more than an entire year of a small boy’s allowance3. They’re giving Inspector Gadget, they’re giving Beam Me Up Scotty, they’re giving To Infinity and Beyond - and while they’re doing a lot of giving, I’m afraid that what they’re *not doing* is serving. Because the thing is, nobody looks cool using an Apple Watch, they just look like they’re wearing an expensive toy. Last week I saw a grown man answer a call on his Apple Watch at the gym. He held his wrist up to his mouth and jogged toward the door as if the voice coming out was giving him coordinates for his next top secret mission. I was like what is this, a spy movie set in 1965? Grow up. In the year of our lord 2023, when we all have our phone within arm’s reach at all times - even when we’re on the toilet! - there is absolutely no excuse for answering a call on your watch. Or Scrolling social media on your watch. Or texting on your watch. Or playing games on your watch. That’s what your phone is for!!! And like, sure, I get it. Wear your watch so you can close your circles and track your sleep cycle or whatever, but fiddling around with a teeny tiny watch screen when you’re around other people is unfortunately very annoying.
Bicycle Lanes, Lack Of
Something that I find really funny and by funny I mean annoying is how people will go to The Netherlands or Denmark or even Paris now, thanks to Plan Velo, and comment approvingly on how bike friendly their towns and cities are but then act like it’s impossible for the UK to adopt similar bike-friendly infrastructure. From decreasing noise and air pollution to boosting public health, and decreasing CO2 emissions, bike lanes and other pedestrian and cycle-focused infrastructure offer enormous benefits across the board and should be at the forefront of our infrastructure planning as we grapple with a heating planet. It’s actually ludicrous that it’s not.
If you’re in or near Tunbridge Wells and care about this issue, might I suggest you follow the work the Tunbridge Wells Bicycle User Group is doing around this. Let’s annoy our local government until they give us safer cycling infrastructure!! Then let’s annoy them about something else we want!
Cockney Rhyming Slang, Men Who Use
There is a certain type of British man who loves nothing more than to use Cockney Rhyming Slang around young American women and then act shocked when the woman in question gives them a look like wtf are you talking about??? “Oh you see,” they’ll say with a chuckle, “Apples and pears means stairs in Cockney Rhyming Slang,” as if that somehow clears up the confusion. Having once been a young American woman in England, I can tell you with authority that these men are everywhere. They’re your uncles, step-fathers, fathers-in-law, and sometimes even your brothers. They are community elders, colleagues, clergymen, and civil servants. They are at the post office, sitting across from you on the train, cornering you at parties, and stopping by your desk for a midday chat. As these men wax lyrical about the myriad applications of Cockney Rhyming Slang, holding you hostage for hours as they rhyme away, you’ll regret ever once thinking that a British accent was charming or cute, your crush on Harry Styles will fully disappear, and you’ll wish you could turn back time and move to Iowa (or anywhere, really) instead England.
Door Locking Anxiety
Does anyone else get this? You leave a home/work/building you have keys for and you know you locked the door behind you but… did you? Are you sure? What if you just thought about locking the door and *did not* actually lock it? You should go back and check. You should think about whether or not you locked the door constantly while making dinner. You should even dream about it at night.
Doritos, the Price of
In the 18 months that I’ve been working from my office, a 150g bag of Cool Original (aka Cool Ranch) Doritos has gone from £1.50 to £2.29 at the local corner store. I haven’t done maths in about 20 years but Google tells me that this is an increase of 52.6667% and I AM SORRY BUT THIS IS SO DEEPLY AND EXTREMELY ANNOYING. How are we, as a people, expected to survive if we’re priced out of all our cheap and cheerful little treats? It’s outrageous.
Fly, the One in my Office
I think we can all agree that the most annoying episode of television was the fly episode of Breaking Bad, but just below that on the Official Annoying Scale™️ is an actual fly buzzing around your meth lab/office/space you’re in for hours on end. Flies are notoriously very stupid, so once they get into a room it’s near impossible for them to find their way out. But they’re also very fast and have like 3,000 eyes or something, making them difficult to catch/kill. There is a fly buzzing around my office right this very moment and I’d honestly rather listen to my neighbour’s alarm quietly beep for the rest of the afternoon than endure its chaotic buzzing.
Migraine, Said in an Australian Accent
Every time I have a migraine, which is about once a month, I have this horrible intrusive thought of someone saying “I have a migraine!” in an Australian accent over and over and over again. This is particularly annoying because the way the imaginary Australian in my head pronounces it is ME-grain, rather than MY-grain, which I don’t even think is accurate?? Please, my Aussie friends, can you record yourself saying “I have a migraine” and send it to me as a voice note so I can re-wire my brain’s internal Siri and make this go away/better? Unless, of course, you do say it like me-grain, which would be both very funny and very annoying for me personally.
This next week I’ll be writing fan fiction about Dan Levy’s Italian villa 40th birthday vacation, deciding which day to get tickets to see KATE, and contemplating why people named Kate seem so into their name (it’s a good name!). See you next week. ✌️
Substack is telling me that this word is spelled wrong which is funny and also extremely annoying! SEE! 👇
Don’t worry, I’m not putting my man Kevin on blast. This is absolutely not his real name.
I don’t know what the going rate for allowance is these days as I’m blissfully child-free but this feels right to me? How much do children get for allowance, Michael? Ten dollars?