Simon says unclench your jaw...
relax your shoulders and take a deep breath... Uh-uh-uh, Simon didn't say!
Wow, May really sucked, huh? I know I'm not unique in feeling this way because almost everyone I've spoken to in the last four weeks has said some variation of what the fuck is going on in here on this day and all I can say in response is May? More like no you MAY not, amirite?! Haha. ha. ☹️ I don’t even know how to make jokes anymore.
I’ve tried articulating exactly how adrift I’ve felt this past month, but every time I try to earnestly write about it it’s extremely, uh, not good. Luckily, other people have said it better than I can (might I suggest Patti Smith’s recent post, Gabrielle Blair’s latest newsletter, and Tim Kreider in The Atlantic, all of whomst beautifully put words to feelings I currently can’t), and some of us, namely Lucas Zanotto, are putting feelings to imagery in a way that feels so perfect for this time. For them, I am grateful.
In fact, I’m grateful to all the writers and artists who have so generously laid bare their truths so we can make sense of ourselves in difficult times. I keep thinking back to that spring pre-pandemo when season 2 of Fleabag was being released and I still felt very young and very much like my future was stretched out before me, full of possibility and promise, though still a bit hazy. Watching that confessions scene that spring was almost as if someone had plugged an aux cord into my ear and hooked up my brain to a projector, my most secret thoughts coming to life in that one brilliant monologue. Because here’s the thing, there have been so many times in my life where I have felt immobilised by possibility, overwhelmed by options, or powerless and adrift, as I do now, in the face of so much horror and sadness, and all I want is for someone to step in and tell me what to do. In fact, I would currently love for someone to walk into my home right this moment and tell me:
what to wear now that all my clothes feel like hand-me-downs from someone who is smaller than me and doesn’t know me well
how to have conversations with my family that don’t feel like I’m carefully stepping through a field full of political land mines
what foods I should eat that aren’t harming the environment, exploiting low wage workers, or contributing to unsustainable global food systems
which pandemic experts to trust and what guidance to follow, especially re travelling to see my friends and family internationally as a global pandemic still rages on
how to make enough money to afford a modern, modest and sustainable home with a garden in/near this eye-wateringly expensive town by the time I’m 40
where to find good shorts
It’s for this reason, I think, that I’m so drawn to all the unclench your jaw and relax your shoulders and breathe in while this circle increases in size and exhale as it decreases messaging that’s cropping up on my social feeds. While I used to scroll right past these posts, I now live for them or, rather, feel like I couldn’t live without them. My jaw, it turns out, is always clenched, and somehow in the last year my body seems to have forgotten how to breathe?? Helen Rosner tweeted a visualiser that tests how long you can hold your breath the other day and I had no problem outlasting the video. I’m constantly holding my breath and clenching my jaw, my shoulders are permanently scrunched up under my ears, and even in my sleep, it’s almost as if my entire body is fully braced for whatever the next very bad thing is. I miss yoga teachers guiding me through poses that made me feel powerful and calm, or the childhood joy of a game of Simon Says, all of us confidently following directions to stay in the game.
The start of June has inspired a rigid return to my Feel Good Routine, which I'm sorry to say emphasises all the most boring habits: daily exercise, early bedtimes, and most-of-the-time sobriety. Right now I’m grateful to have the French Open to distract me from the usual terrors of being alive, but I've also joined an allotment group with my WI so I can exhaust myself in the sunshine when the weather allows this summer, and be told by the other women exactly which beds to weed and water and sow. Though I don’t have anyone standing on my shoulder in my day-to-day life, telling me exactly what to do, I do have a reminder set on my phone, encouraging me to put a Lucas Zanotto gif on loop and take some deep breaths. Navigating these next many months is going to be messy and difficult and joyful and weird. I don’t have any answers, but we do have each other and for that I am also truly grateful.
I’ll be back in your inbox on Monday with a post on shorts. Yes, shorts. Until then, unclench your jaw, drop your shoulders, breathe deep and take good care of yourself. Xx