If I ever get out of here...

three neighbours, a doorman, a dog, & a lone reed in the corrupt sands of commerce

My favourite scene from any movie in the history of movies is the elevator scene in You’ve Got Mail. I think about it every time I rake my fingers through the bottom of a bag, parroting Parker Posey’s impeccable performance* and subbing in whatever it is I’m looking for: Where are my _____, uhhgg! But while I used to think about this scene often, this past year I’ve found myself thinking about it all the time.

If I ever get out of here…**
The scene starts as comedically mis-matched couple, Joe Fox and Patricia, catch the elevator in their building’s lobby just as the doors are closing. They join their neighbour, Veronica, her dog, who is tragically unnamed, and their doorman, Charlie, on a journey up to the residential floors, but shortly after it starts, the elevator stops! And so we get the five stages of lockdown all perfectly expressed in this 2 minute and 24 second clip.

The Patricia Phase
Patricia makes coffee nervous and hasn’t stopped pacing around her apartment in weeks. Patricia wants to optimise every facet of her life, is addicted to sleeping pills, and just bought a Peloton. Patricia is the ✨most fun✨ at parties and she 👏 can 👏 not 👏 wait to get back to them. Patricia is afraid to die. Patricia does not have time for this!!

Patricia is the manic energy of the early pandemic, which I remember all too well. I was walking figure eights around our small flat and constantly refreshing my twitter feed, my eyes a bloodshot mess and my brain a swarm of bees. I remember feeling isolated and scared, and I desperately wanted answers to all the questions that scrolled through my mind like a never-ending ticker tape. I’d shout at my computer “Where are the leaders!” as I frantically pet the cat (RIP) and wondered why our government wasn’t supplying us all with masks or properly providing PPE to the NHS or training up an army of mental health practitioners or combing their hair before going on live television.

In those early days, I distracted myself with skincare products, a collection of dried beans, and the news. I was outraged if anyone seemed less stressed or disheveled than I felt. In this phase, I was definitely not my best self BUT I never did anything as monstrous as paint my nails in a small, shared space so there’s that.

The Veronica Phase: Veronica has seen some shit. You might not know it because her face doesn’t move, but if you look in her eyes it’s immediately apparent that this is a woman who has done what she had to do to get where she wanted to go. Her life of sumptuous knitwear, martini lunches, twice weekly blowouts and sweeping views of the Hudson leaves a trail of neglected family and verbally-abused service people in its wake. Sometimes, when the weight of her black American Express card feels too heavy, she thinks back to those she left behind and wonders if maybe, just maybe, her isolation and unhappiness is actually all her own fault?

Everything you didn’t do. Everything you wanted to do. Everything you had planned. In the Veronica Phase, you realised that none of it was happening. So you took stock of where you were at, you mourned the things you were missing, and you connected with the relationships and practices that you’d let lapse. You took meditation classes over zoom, you FaceTimed you best friends at odd hours of the day, you listened to audio books and podcasts while you put together puzzles. In a small way, you came to see this period as a gift. It allowed you to see yourself more clearly and identify the things you might like to do differently going forward. You did your pelvic floor exercises and listened to Evermore on repeat and made peace with this person you found you had become.

The Charlie Phase: Charlie is an optimist and a romantic. Can you blame him? When shit gets dark, Charlie wants to turn on some lights and hold the people he loves close. Like Veronica, he’s realising stuff, and that stuff makes him want to build a better future and make more of himself! He’s gonna marry Orit. He’s gonna begin a sunrise yoga practice because his back has been really stiff lately. He’s gonna start saving for the future. He’s gonna be the very best Charlie he can be!

I’ve been in the Charlie phase a few times, if I’m being honest, and I have the to-do lists to prove it! In fact, at the start of this past week, I made a list of 19 (!!!) things that I was going to do to optimise myself during this week off. That might sound bonkers but here’s the thing: these periods of optimism and big-sky thinking and planning are instrumental in helping some of us stay sane in this lockdown life. As long as you don’t beat yourself up for not achieving everything you say you’re going to do (I will, after writing this post, have done 4.5 of those 19 things on my week-off to-do list), I think it’s totally healthy to try to visualise living your best life. Dream big! Let your mind find space and comfort in imagining something new and different!

It’s like when you watch marathon runners triumphantly gallop across the finish line and your heart swells and you say one day I’m going to run a marathon! Even though you know deep down that you’ll never actually run a marathon, this declaration may be enough to inspire you to start a couch to 5k, or take part in your local Park Run. For me, these lockdown periods have me fantasising about moving off-grid and starting a commune, and while I know that I probably won’t (lol moving off-grid and starting a commune is impossible without a trust fund???), maybe I will move to the country, get a goat, and swap garden vegetables with neighbours who become dear friends. And maybe that will be enough.

(I really hope Charlie did marry Orit, though. He loves her! He should marry her.)

The Dog Phase: This little lap dog doesn’t really mind being trapped in an elevator. She has love and attention, and though she’ll have to go back outside eventually (to do her business), she’s totally happy to mostly stay in, where she is fed regularly and adored.

This is where I’m at right now, and where I’ve been for a while. I’m very comfortable in my lockdown life, though I’d honestly like for someone to stroke my back a little more regularly! (David!!!! Did you hear that?!!!!) Like a dog, I go out for almost daily walks and am now familiar with the intricacies of my neighbourhood. I know which houses have the best wisteria in the spring, where I’m most likely to find the Buzzard who lives on the common, and the footpaths that will take me past the especially swoon-worthy real estate. I feel safe and grounded and at peace in this little life I’ve created and I desperately want for someone else to have to make all my important decisions for me, lest something I do brings the walls crumbling down.

The Joe Fox Phase: Joe is absolutely the kind of guy you want to be in a crisis with. He moves through the world with confidence and ease, charming children, business rivals, and take-no-bullshit grocery clerks (I fume at how easily he gets away with this***) all in one go. He lets the others in the elevator experience their panic however they need to, even if that means painting their nails in a confined space. He trusts the process. He listens. He comes to his own conclusions. And he acts on them.

Those in the Joe Fox phase of the pandemic are the ones who are writing books, moving house, starting businesses, and exercising in the mornings. They make decisions, and then they act on those decisions. They’re pragmatic and level-headed, they keep calm and they carry on.

David is very much a Joe Fox. I am extremely not a Joe Fox, though I very badly want to be. (The only decision I’ve followed through on in this past year was starting this newsletter!) But as the end of lockdown comes closer, I know that I need to rally and make some decisions. Which brings me to the final phase, which isn’t represented in the elevator because it’s not in the elevator. It’s outside.

The Lone Reed Phase A lone reed stands tall and waves boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

If I ever get out of here… I’ve tried to finish this sentence every day for almost a year, and thought I don’t have a clear idea of my next steps, I do know that I would like to be like a lone reed. A lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

You see, there’s a lot about this world we’ve made that I don’t want to return to, and I think we should all adopt a schedule and a mindset where we work less and spend more time in pursuit of things we love. I want to pick up books more often than I pick up my phone. I want my work to mean something and contribute to the success of a dynamic and thriving community. I want to one day (in the not too distant future) have a beautiful home in the countryside with south facing windows where I can grow flowers and vegetables and take so many dumb photos. I want to help to create an environment that is hospitable to future generations and systems based on equality and justice. I want to live a comfortable and beautiful life without the trappings of capitalism… but how?

Right now, I’m really not sure. But when I finally get out of here, I’m hoping to find out.

I know a lot of people have a pretty fraught relationship with instagram, but for me, it’s the only platform that I genuinely enjoy using (I love Twitter, but in a really unhealthy way). To make it manageable, I like to use Instagram like a magazine: I flip through my stories once or twice a day, screenshotting anything I want to follow-up on, and then once or twice a week I do a full scroll (yes, all the way through), again screenshotting and noting down things I’d like to remember or more deeply explore. During especially photogenic periods (Mother’s day, Halloween, The 4th of July) scrolling through can take a long time, but I genuinely like the people I follow and I set aside time to do “the scroll” so it never feels unpleasant.

The key, I think, to making Instagram a pleasurable experience is to only follow people who genuinely make you happy. If Instagram makes you anxious, unfollow all the people who make you feel envious or less than or defensive. Unfollow accounts that make you want to buy things or celebrities you compare yourself against when you look in the mirror. Instagram should be a place of discovery and joy!

With that in mind, I want to highlight three women who are lone reeds, standing tall and waving boldly in the corrupted sands of social media. Each of them inspires me to think about life and how we live it a little more deeply and differently, and though I don’t look to them for answers, I definitely find inspiration in what they share.

ONE | Jamie Beck
I’ve been following Jamie, a photographer, since her 2010 Tumblr days, but have been enraptured ever since she moved to Provence from NYC a few years ago. Watching her work progress over the years has been so inspiring, and her #IsolationCreation series early in the pandemic was one of the few bright spots in those dark days. I’m also seriously in awe of how many real outfits she’s worn throughout this pandemic. (I, of course, am wearing sweatpants for the 358th day in a row.)

TWO | Ellie Gill
I met Ellie shortly after moving to the UK and started seeing her for the loveliest holistic facials. She taught me a lot about natural skincare and organic beauty products and I hold her 100% responsible for my obsession with Neal’s Yard Rehydrating Rose Facial Oil. In recent years, she started naturally dying fabrics (she makes really beautiful naturally dyed silk masks), and this past year has started to retrain as a gardener. I’m endlessly inspired by the way she lives her life and am so grateful for all the knowledge and insight she’s shared over the years.

THREE | Beatrice Valenzuela
I’ve also been following Beatrice since the first days of Instagram in 2010. I first came across her on a now deleted blog called Closet Visit (RIP) and watching her so thoroughly and unabashedly enjoy life and build her business this past decade has been positively life-giving. I’m obsessed with her kitchen. And her dog. And her partner. And their family camping trips. All of it, really! And all of it a great reminder to live more joyfully.

And with that, I wish you a restful end to the week and an inspiring start to another! These pandemic days are still very tough, aren’t they? Remember that we’re all still moving through phases, trying to figure out our next steps. ✨

An enormous THANK YOU to my friend Abbie at Patrick Ireland Frames for letting me use their frames for this post.

*Parker Posey SHINES in this scene. It… it takes my breath away. As Patricia, she’s animated and extremely over the top, waving her arms and cackling in Joe’s face, performing for her captive elevator audience. Within moments of the elevator stopping she absolutely loses her shit, and once she calms down SHE PAINTS HER NAILS. IN AN ELEVATOR. I mean… the cheek! the nerve! the audacity, gall and gumption! I would chop off my arm to be in an elevator with Patricia! She would single-handedly provide you with the best dinner party story for the very rest of your life all while sucking up all the anxiety in the shared space. An icon!!

**I love that they all start with if I ever get out of here, not when I get out of here, as if people die in elevators in the Upper West Side all the time. So dramatic!

***I mean, he’s an attractive, white, wealthy man. Of course he can get away with literally anything he wants. 🙄

BE THE LONE REED YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD